On this holiday morning, do you fret you didn’t choose the perfect present for a loved one? I constantly strive, but wherever I look the suggestions flood in with impractical ideas. No, I have no desire for a scented wax with a poultry aroma, for the simple reason we're preparing turkey. Nor do I want a dawn-simulating clock, since I can leave the curtains open works just fine. And I definitely don’t desire a salmon DNA pink collagen jelly mask, as said DNA comes from milt. If I wanted aquatic semen on my face, I'd simply tickle some pollocks.
Seeking Ideas From the Animal Kingdom
Therefore, if you’re always looking for inspiration, my advice is: learn from the animal kingdom. Our species did not create the act of giving. This tradition has been around for over 100 million years, long before humans appeared. Aided from natural selection, this has given creatures plenty of time to master gift-giving. Heck, certain arachnids go so far as to wrap their offerings!
Excluding fitness gear and other products I dislike, there are five main types of holiday presents: edibles, things for the home, bling, beauty products and clothing. The animal kingdom excels in every category.
Culinary Presents: From Protein Snacks to Gourmet Skewers
Certain cuckoo species give their partners high-protein snacks including bugs, amphibians, and reptiles. However, for those who like your meat shished, then the butcher bird, or Lanius excubitor. The males spear prey, such as bugs and rodents, onto pointed thorns and branches crafting artisan kebabs.
Some insects present to their suitors spitballs, but these aren’t ordinary globs. These represent scorpionfly spitballs, crafted with the freshest saliva from the engorged labial glands of only the fittest males. The delicacy is nutrient-dense, a key reason why females prefer males with larger gifts.
Another reason is that the fittest males produce the largest gifts. By "fit" I don’t mean physical appearance, although they probably do. I refer to “fit” in the genetic sense.
The gifts are given as a prelude to sex, so by choosing the male with the largest gift, the female is choosing superior genes. She then consumes the gift while mating but ends copulation as soon as it’s all gone. Bigger spitballs mean longer copulation times, where the male can transfer more sperm and the female can’t mate with other males. This explains the male's motivation for creating such an intricate present.
Homeware and Shiny Objects
Adélie penguins don’t give food, but they do present things for the home. In Antarctica, where they live, there is no home improvement store, so the birds must gather their offerings from their surroundings. Each breeding season, the males gather pebbles to begin constructing their nest. These crucial components are scarce, prompting some chancers to pilfer stones from nearby nests. But when a male gives a pebble to a female, it is a sign his readiness for commitment. Think of it as the penguin equivalent of a diamond ring. The stone is not worn, however. If she is interested, she takes the gift and places it to the nest. Subsequently, following some final adjustments, they are ready to start their family.
Regarding shiny things, corvids are masters in this department. There are many stories of individuals who have befriended wild corvids and later received metal caps, fasteners, buttons and various glittering objects. For instance, two people in Florida were once given a diamond bracelet by a crow they fed regularly. This is particularly endearing since, whereas many creatures give presents in the hope of scoring, crows seem to give simply for the joy of it.
The Pinnacle of Multipurpose Present: Sea Sponges
Off the coast of Australia, dolphins have been spotted plucking clumps of sea sponge from the seabed and utilizing them in fascinating manners. Sometimes, while foraging for fish, they wear the sponges on their beak to help protect their sensitive snouts. And sometimes, when male dolphins wish to court females, they wear them like jaunty hats before presenting them as presents.
By doing this, dolphins ingeniously merge the last two categories of Christmas gift. Marine sponges serve as attire and skincare. To make it even better, when males give their sponge gifts, they frequently adopt a curved posture and produce a little tune through their blowhole.
This is not the half-arsed giving of domestic animals – like a cat presenting a dead mouse in a hidden spot – or some people. Dolphin presents are thoughtful, multipurpose, ethically gathered and delivered with flair. There is a lesson for all of us. A popular song may have said the only desire for Christmas “is you”, but if I have single holiday wish, it is to receive a sponge-hat-skin-protector by a dolphin that serenades me with style.
