It's been a calamity, without a doubt.
The English side's recent capitulation in Australia will be etched in history as their most abject in modern memory not only for its rapid nature, but also because this was intended as an chance to recapture the Ashes from a depleted Australia.
This is how England gave themselves no chance, from selection and preparation, to drinking and coastal leisure in Noosa.
Roots Planted Much Earlier
Hindsight makes experts of us all, but the failings of this tour began well before departure.
It was a missed opportunity not to test a specialist opening batter when Zak Crawley got injured in the previous English season, instead asking Dan Lawrence to perform a role for which he is unsuited. Lawrence has not been seen since.
If Jordan Cox's thumb fracture in New Zealand 12 months ago was regrettable – Cox could have been a crucial reserve keeper in Australia – then the decision to send Mark Wood to the Champions Trophy proved immeasurably costly.
England so urgently needed express bowling on this tour, then managed to damage their pace spearhead in a tournament they were not destined to win.
Coach Paul Collingwood left his post at the beginning of the home summer and has remained unreplaced, and there was no clarity on the identity of England's fast-bowling coach for this tour up until the last minute.
Chris Woakes' shoulder dislocation essentially excluded him of the Ashes, but there were still two other players in England's squad for the last Test against India that were not included to Australia: Jamie Overton and Liam Dawson.
Overton opted for a rest from red-ball cricket after occupying a spot at The Oval which could have gone to Matthew Potts, Matthew Fisher or Sam Cook. Dawson - or any other primary slow bowler – would have been pragmatic cover in Australia for Shoaib Bashir, whose form was an disaster in the making.
Even the announcement of the Ashes squad was an anticlimactic portent of things to come.
Whereas the British & Irish Lions unveiled their Australian tour squad in front of 2,000 fans at the O2 in London, England quietly released their team on a press release with no notice a couple of hours after the death of legendary umpire Dickie Bird was announced.
When it came, the 12-month back-and-forth over Ollie Pope's place persisted as he was replaced as vice-captain, adding extra heat to a Jacob Bethell debate that is yet to be resolved.
Director of cricket Rob Key did not give an interview about the squad until a full 24 hours later, at which point he effectively terminated Woakes' international career, taking the moment away from the man himself.
Fail to Prepare, Court Defeat
For all the censure of England's pre-tour arrangements in Australia, the insurmountable hurdle to more warm-up matches was a white-ball tour of New Zealand that had been scheduled long ago.
Despite assertions the series against the Black Caps was valuable Ashes groundwork, England lost three of four completed matches, effectively played at the end of the New Zealand winter.
England ultimately obtained the Ashes warm-up they wanted – an intra-squad match. However, there is evidence of second thoughts through their opening of negotiations with Cricket Australia over an agreement to guarantee better preparation on future Ashes tours.
If there was an opportunity of a match against a state team or Australia A, it was too near to the tour of New Zealand for England to make it work. England maintain they asked for time at the Waca, only to be told the ground was unavailable. When England made the request is uncertain. The Barmy Army managed to schedule a game there.
The Lilac Hill conditions for the warm-up match were slow and low, far different from the speed and carry of Perth Stadium.
The overall mindset was laid back. England team analyst Rupert Lewis took the field to run the drinks and music blared from the dressing rooms throughout the three days. Harry Brook's shots highlighted his disregard for the exercise.
As the Lions players not involved were made to run laps of the park as part of a strenuous training schedule, Bashir's bowling was taken apart by his own team-mates and Wood had to go for a scan on his hamstring early in his comeback.
A whiff of farce came when the scorecard experienced a glitch, showing Wood to be batting despite being in hospital at the time.
Perhaps the most memorable moment of the Lilac Hill week came before a ball was bowled, when captain Ben Stokes described critics of England's plans as "yesterday's men". It was a unfortunate phrase, but one that could have been retracted immediately.
Two Down in Under a Week
England dealt well with the build-up to the first Test. Josh Tongue and Jamie Smith swatted away questions about golf, stumpings and moral victories.
In control at lunch on day two in Perth, England were defeated before stumps on the same day.
Stokes said he was stunned in some tetchy post-match media interactions, comments that were seized upon by the captain as England lost the public relations war in the days after the Test.
England were shadowed by photographers to golf courses and even an aquarium, while housing the squad in a hotel attached to a casino was probably a miscalculation. Some of the group took a liking to an Australian brand of takeaway frozen yoghurt.
The decision not to send more players to the Lions' day-night game against a Prime Minister's XI in Canberra was explained by the contrast in conditions between the capital and Brisbane.
However, a week's worth of radio silence did not help the tourists. Former Australia pace bowler Mitchell Johnson accused them of being "conceited".
England instead selected five days of training in Brisbane, a workload that head coach Brendon McCullum would later claim left his team "overprepared" for the second Test.
When Stokes finally ended the media blackout, he corrected the "has-beens" comment and responded to Johnson by saying England could be called "rubbish", rather than arrogant.
As the build-up to the Test continued, Stokes and Pope had to respond to pictures of the captain, Wood and Smith riding escooters without helmets – an offence punishable by a fine under Queensland law.
On the field, Root's long-awaited first hundred in Australia was nullified by some awful shots by his team-mates and England missed five catches.
Following yet another defeat at the Gabba, Stokes said his dressing room is "no place for weak men" – words that could come back later in the tour.
On the Beach
England said their four nights in the beach resort of Noosa had been planned for more than a year, which possibly leaves it as one of the most meticulously organized parts of the tour.
Some used it in the spirit it was intended. Root, for example, had accommodation with his family separate from the main drag and was not once seen near a bar. It was curious that more family members were not present for what was billed as a break from the Ashes.
For others, it was a extended lads' holiday. Some members of the team continued with two days of drinking in Brisbane with four more in Noosa – six in total, as many days as there had been of Test cricket at this point in the tour.
The England party was hardly inconspicuous, drinking by the side of the road, with plenty wearing traditional Akubra hats that became the standard attire of the holiday.
There was a three-line whip issued to attend a kick-about on the beach, where England were verbally jabbed by local radio DJs and mingled with other holidaymakers.
Stokes was seen out running, while on another occasion strength and conditioning coach Pete Sim called for the entire group for a run along the coast at 07:45am. Smith, Bashir and Tongue were the only players to show up.
At the end of the trip, a member of the England security staff was involved in a physical confrontation with a cameraman from TV network Seven following a exchange in Brisbane airport.
Despite the jokes and attention from Australian media about their time on the beach, England probably delivered their most competitive showing of a bad bunch in the Test after their jollies in Noosa.
Finished in Adelaide
By the third Test, England's narrative had become mixed. Stokes talked of "enjoying the pressure", despite actively looking to alleviate pressure from his team over the previous three years.
Brook said England had not spoken about cricket in Noosa, whereas Stokes admitted there had been "raw" conversations. Crawley would later claim not to know about the "weak men" comments.
Perhaps mindful fielding had let them down, England engaged in some uncommon fielding drills.
At an Adelaide ground noted for helping spinners, England omitted Bashir, a decision explained by the need for Will Jacks' batting at number eight. Assistant coach Jeetan Patel insisted Bashir had not become "impossible to pick".
After putting so much focus on high pace, England were left with part-time spinner Jacks bowling more overs than anyone else in the match.
On the surface, England remained relaxed. McCullum's walk to the Adelaide Oval twice passed through BBC Radio 5 live shows being broadcast from outside the team hotel. Patel left a news conference with the words: "{Enjoy your evening|
